I wish I could throw my iPad off of the Brooklyn Bridge. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the opportunity to write for Loving on Me. It feels very rewarding to be of service and connect with you in this way. Unfortunately, my writing process is usually bombarded with stress, insecurity and uncertainty. Every month since I started writing for LOM, I’ve stayed up until the darkest hours staring at the screen, judging every divine word that I channeled to share.
Last month, I became so overwhelmed with the fear of not having the right answer or way to “round out” my piece, that I flat out didn’t offer anything. I asked for an extension, and then backed out all together. Part of me hoped that I would get fired for not meeting my deadline. Instead, in true LOM fashion, I was met with encouragement to try again next month.
So here I am again, triggered by this same deadline that is quickly approaching, and the six topics I have tried to cover have all been sent to the trash folder. The urge to quit is overwhelming, and as much as I want to check out and do ANYTHING ELSE, I decided to welcome the feeling and explore it more.
Frustration flowed out of my tear ducts and shame shook the foundation beneath me. My insecurities created a mantra that I released into the heavens through heavy sobs:
I want to give up. I don’t want to try. I am embarrassed. I feel stupid. I am not good enough. I do not matter.
“Lies! Lies! Lies!” the Angels shouted. I could feel their energy rising up my spine like a coiled serpent flowing and releasing through the top of my head, setting fire to the little parade of demons stomping on my forehead.
“Your anxiety has no bearing on your readiness for service, Symone. It’s simply the ego wrestling to gain control through fear. Focus on your higher self’s mission, which is loving service to the divine.”
Fear wants us to feel shameful about expressing our God-given talents. For years, I kept dozens of journals hidden away. I had this fear that someone would punish me for being so vulnerable and open about how I feel. I have always sung my heart out in secret, afraid that one wrong note or breathless run would be ridiculed by anyone listening. The hurt surrounding releasing my truth and sharing my expression is something that I have let rule me long enough, and I don’t want to feel that way anymore.
So I invite all of you to join me in an emotional biopsy. The only way to address something that hurts is to dig it up and look at it. Give attention to the things that you have the strongest resistance to. The first step to healing is to acknowledge that there is a problem, and here is mine. The battle between dark and light is real, but I’m no quitter. I’m a Warrior Goddess and I’m here to tell my darkness to come out and play. I will fight with the power of love, compassion and fierce determination to be my authentic self unapologetically. Our messages are powerful, and each of our stories matter. Martha Graham says it best:
“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium, and be lost. The world will not have it.
It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urge that motivates you.
Keep the channel open.”
I am leaving my emotional biopsy sample here for all to see.
I, Symone, have been afraid to share my authentic voice with the world for fear of judgement and ridicule. I will spend every moment I have moving forward, proving to myself that this is a lie that I no longer have to live by.
As this blog publishes, I will be in a music studio writing and recording music, alongside preparing for my first public poetry reading. Am I nervous? YES! Is it going to stop me any longer? NO! Let’s keep the channel open together!
Share your fears in the comments section and show us your weapons of mass destruction to conquer it and speak your truth! You don’t just owe it to yourself, you owe it to the world.