What an amazing year! As December draws near, I can hardly believe how much life has changed. 2012 will go down as a year I lived fully and completely. Not because it was perfect, but rather because it wasn’t. It was messy, painful, hurtful, crushing, joyful, enlightening, heartwarming, disappointing, energizing, frenetic, and peaceful – sometimes all in one day! It was everything life is and I was alive to experience it. For that I am profoundly grateful.

The crisis that started my year in some ways seems but a distant memory. Just writing that sentence puts a big smile on my face and makes me hop up and down with thanksgiving. People look at me now and are amazed at how calm I am, how much I radiate joy. Most have no idea what a very high price I have paid for it.  And you know what? That’s okay with me. I simply don’t want to talk about it any more. I have learned that the only way to truly embrace happiness is to let go of bitterness and resentment. They can’t co-exist in the same space. The key though, is to not simply try to get over it, but to try and get complete.

For me, that meant I had to allow myself to feel what I was feeling without beating myself up about it and to grieve for what I had lost. I had never before attached the word grief to anything other than the loss of a person. But the truth is any major loss can produce grief.  Somehow just the acknowledgement of what I was feeling as “okay” helped with the healing process.

Then I had to do the work to understand what happened and why. The thing about hard times is that they introduce you to more of yourself – some of it you like, some of it you don’t. Trying to understand helped me see patterns in my life. I was able to sift through the mess and identify my own issues while at the same time identify what wasn’t mine and stop carrying the extra load. Man, was that liberating! I felt about 20 pounds lighter.

The unexpected gift in trying to get complete has been the blossoming of new hopes and dreams. When you’re going through challenges it can feel like a never-ending cycle of pain. Even those of us who love and trust God get tired and frustrated.  It’s funny how we can know he has us in the palm of His hand and yet feel abandoned at the same time.  In hindsight I can laugh at how many people told me in the middle of my low season to just have faith. They meant well, but there were moments I really just wanted to reach out and dot their eye. Of course I have faith! If nothing else, I have certainly learned to pray without ceasing. But when we reach out for human connection, most of us aren’t looking for a lesson in theology. We just want a moment of human compassion and companionship. We want someone to hold us up until we can stand and walk on our own.

Oh, and when we can walk again the journey can be so sweet. I have a renewal of joy that I could never have imagined. God has given me a vision for my life that is bigger than I know how to achieve, and yet I know it will happen. Why? Because I asked, God what is it you would like me to do? Then I listened, watched and waited until I had my answer. I wish I could say it was easy. Unfortunately, I have learned that a walk of faith requires being comfortable with not having all the answers. Yes, God gave me a vision for my life but he left out all the steps on how to get there. And you know what? I get why he did it. Had he told me all the steps I’d still be at the starting line arguing with him about the directions. I have no doubt I would have seen areas of improvement and insisted on expressing my opinion and tweaking things just a bit. But you see, God knows me well and saved us both the drama by not filling in the blanks.

I talked to my Daddy about this because it’s so counter to the way our mind works. When we’re headed somewhere new, we always look up the directions so we have a general idea where we’re going. But Daddy said something that will probably stick with me for the rest of my life.

 “God doesn’t give us direction until we start to move”.

Isn’t that profound? We don’t have to know the whole plan! All we have to do is take the first step based on what we know to do. He’s already got the rest worked out. It’s amazing how when we do what He’s telling us to do – you know that thing that’s been burning inside you but you’ve hesitated to do – how the universe surrounds us with opportunities and possibilities we’ve never even noticed. Need someone who knows how to do X? In general conversation you find that your best friend’s sister’s boyfriend is an expert in the field. I don’t know if the resources have been there all along or not, but I do believe our obedience expands our vision to see things previously outside of our line of sight.

God is so generous. He is ready and willing to shower us with his best. He has plans for us and they are GOOD. This messy thing called life sometimes takes us low, but I have witnessed how wonderful it can be when joy comes in the morning. I offer this as a word of encouragement for all of us. The truth is life will never be our version of perfect. Thank goodness for that! Without the rain, we don’t get the beautiful flowers. Without the dark, we don’t get to enjoy the dawn of hope. Without hurt, we’d have no appreciation for healing. It is the ups and downs of life that in the end makes it so rewarding and fulfilling.

I have great hopes for you and me. We are God’s beautiful creations and meant for a life of abundance. Don’t let not having all the answers keep you from moving forward. You were designed for greatness!

Loving on Me as I Love You!

PS – My son shared with me a great prayer that is so appropriate for a walk of faith – God I’m about to jump. Catch me! Be sure to leave a comment on how your walk of faith has changed your life! Be blessed.