It’s so great writing for Loving On Me. Every time it is that time of month again, when I have to hand in an article, living life is inspirational in itself. There’s always something that I’m happy with that I changed for the better and think and hope that others can benefit from.
My biggest thing at the moment, or probably at any given moment, is love and going on a journey with someone without compromising the most important parts of myself and, at the same time, being an awesome second half.
And with all love, old and new, comes getting to know each other. Ideas and feelings of people and relationships from the past are projected onto new ones and every once in a while, that mounts to fights.
The older I get, the more “lovely” my fights get. Throughout the years, I’ve learned that fights are necessary to come closer together whereas before, for me, it was about a boxing match that I had to win.
I believe fighting is good and we all should do this more often.
In the Netherlands, we have an expression: “Without rubbing there will be no shine”, an analogy that stems from polishing wine glasses. The harder you rub, the more they start to shine.
Every time I have a “lovely” fight, I am relieved of stress and I can see the other person for who they are again and I feel myself grow stronger.
I call these fights nowadays “lovely”, as the aim is to get deeper in love and understanding.
And if all goes well, we’ve both learned something and in the end, we became closer.
Most people dislike fighting, but that’s probably because of the prejudice you have about fights. I believe it is necessary to come to a healthy relationship.
We’re all human beings with our own set of beliefs and weird habits. Then all of a sudden, you’re getting closer with another human being and you have to merge beliefs and weird habits.
So how do you fight a lovely fight? Well, these are my tips:
1. Don’t be apologetic.
Don’t ever apologize for your thoughts, feelings and ideas. They are yours and they are good. It is not a problem if you decide to think otherwise, after you’ve given the arguments of the other party a good think-through.
2. Start with how you feel.
Always start a discussion where someone did something that hurt you, annoyed or stirred whatever kind of feeling, with: “I feel….” In this way, you don’t attack or point the finger at the other person, but you’re keeping it close to yourself.
3.”Want to” versus “have to”.
Make sure you pick the “nice” fight when you’re still in the “I want to make myself clear on this and that” phase and not in the “I have to” phase. As soon as you’re in that phase, it’s very well possible that you can’t hold back tears or maybe even throw a delicious tantrum. Nothing wrong with that either, but I’d be careful with that one. Family is better on allowing you to have these than significant others.
4. It takes two.
It takes two to tango, so both parties are responsible for the fight. It is not a matter of right or wrong.
Fights are usually about not feeling seen by the other half in whatever it is you (don’t) want or need. And realize that the other never does this intentionally. If they do though, then please say “sayonara” and don’t be bothered.
5. Don’t be afraid.
It is scary standing up for yourself, even for seasoned fighters like me. The first few minutes before I tell the other person how I feel about what they did, I can feel a brick in my stomach. Then I breathe deeply, feel the fear and I do it anyway.
6.What’s really bothering you?
Fights give valuable information about you. The thing that bothers you can tell you more about your deepest needs and fears. What is the real reason behind the fighting? If you feel like you’re not getting enough love or attention, then you’ve got some work to do with and on yourself. No one can give you that, but you can give it to yourself.
7. Always end with something nice.
Strange? Yes, perhaps, but do it anyway. Because remember, you did not start the fight to be the one who is right or to win or to have power over the other. You started the fight because you wanted to get closer to the other person. And you heart them so much that you want them to understand you and offer them a peek inside your being and vice versa. Oh, and a last tip with this one: Truly GIVE the other person something nice. And by that I mean, do not expect anything back.
How do you fight? Do you have any tips that work well for you? Let us know in the comments section below.