A few years ago, I preached a sermon entitled, “A Word for the Motherless.” I spoke from first-hand experience about Mother’s Day not being the joyous flowers and brunch kinda day for everyone. You see, I only had my biological mother in my life for 11 years. And, most of those 11 years, I watched her live as an abused woman until the day I witnessed her abuser finally take her life. Yes, my mother was murdered in front of me. As a result, I’ve always had strong feelings against the Mother’s Day season. After mom was murdered, my siblings and I lived with our maternal grandparents. When I was growing up, it wasn’t as common for grandparents to raise their grandchildren as it is today.
I have such fond memories of my grandmother staying up late night after everyone was in bed, eating buttermilk and cornbread and watching Johnny Carson on “The Tonight Show”. We laughed and talked about girl stuff …and other stuff I have never shared with anyone. Those are forever our little secrets. The memories are tucked away in my heart and when I pull them out, it’s like finding money in a purse you haven’t used in a long time. Sadly, those nights and conversations didn’t last very long. Muuh, as she was affectionately called, passed in her sleep just four years after mom passed. That was the summer of my freshman year in high school. After Muuh passed, I asked God what was I supposed to do as the eldest of my four siblings? More importantly, who was going to be a mother to us? Me? How could I be a mother already? I was only 14. At that moment, I declared I would NEVER have children! I didn’t want any child to experience the trauma I’d experienced in my 14 years of life.
Fast forward seven years: College, love, marriage…and as the song goes, “Seasons change, people change”. Well, my seasons had definitely changed and before I knew it, I was the mother of three beautiful children. Once again, I found myself asking God, who was going to teach me how to be a mother? Yet, when I looked closely, I found that while my biological mom was taken when I was 11, God had strategically placed a number of wonderful women in my path to mother me and to teach me how to mother. Like Mrs. Arnold. Mrs. Arnold was my BFF’s mom. She was the first person to validate the horrific tragedies I’d experienced. She took me in, loved me, taught me about life, how to be a lady, to always strive toward excellence, and of course, to love God, do good and give back to others. One of the most valuable lessons she taught me was to acknowledge that we always have a choice. She encouraged me to choose to forgive and find the love in every situation, even tragedy. She taught me that in forgiveness, I would find love and in love, I would find peace. And in peace, I would find joy. But it all begins with a choice.
As we approach Mother’s Day 2014 in the ever-changing, ever-evolving seasons of life, I find myself facing familiar fears and anxiety surrounding the “big” day. 2013 was a tragic year for me. I suffered many significant losses beginning with my “sister,” Lynne. It was Lynne with whom I would actually experience “on the job” training of being a mother. Together we had seven children and two husbands. There were good seasons and seasons that challenged us. We took long walks, talked to God and to each other about how to be good mothers. We were partners in mothering. Lynne’s greatest joy was being a mother. Her passion was infectious. Family gatherings were the best. There was always lots and lots of love, food, fun and games. Sadly, Lynne passed one year ago and though this is the second Mother’s Day without my dear friend and sister, this year the loss has a greater impact.
In December 2013, I faced the worst tragedy a mother could imagine. My youngest son, Tre’ Alexander, was murdered. I have suffered many losses throughout my lifetime, but the loss of a child is truly the worst thing ever.
So I face this Mother’s Day struggling to find my joy. But I also face this season holding tightly to the lessons taught to me by Mrs. Arnold. I have a choice. I am choosing to find my joy! At the moment, I find comfort in Mary, the mother of Jesus. As I reflect on Mary, I can’t help but resonate with the juxtaposition of joy and pain she must have felt holding onto the beautiful memories of her son while watching him take his last breath. My son was just hitting his stride and beginning to walk into his purpose when his life was taken. I was proud of the young man he was becoming.
Through the tears, my comfort comes from knowing there was a greater purpose in Jesus’ crucifixion and Mary’s agony. There was the resurrection that brings new life. I don’t know the end of my story, but I find comfort believing there is a greater purpose for my loss. I pray for those mothers in agony to know there is a greater purpose for their pain. There are children without biological mothers. I want them to know God has given them surrogate mothers. Embrace that gift. I don’t have all the answers, but I have a choice. I am still on my way to joy, but for now, I have peace.
To the motherless, may “mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance.” (Jude 1:2)
Rene says
Wow! That’s my initial response – What a blessing – thank you for sharing what’s in your heart with us. I thank God that I knew your Mom, we were young but I remember her sweet spirit and beautiful smile. You’re grandmother was a jewel – and the grandmother I was blessed to be around – thank YOU for sharing. Oh the memories at 41st and Park! 🙂 I am so blessed to have shared my Mom with you – she truly loved you, as I do My Sister in every sense that matters. So much of my childhood includes YOU! LOL! When I hear you talk and write about Lynne and your friendship – it makes me smile and happy that you had such support from such a wonderful friend. The fruits of your Mothering are so obvious in the 7 beautiful kids – young adults you raised. You are so right – God truly provides when our biological Mothers are no longer here. Tammie, they are ALL smiling down on you and proud of the awesome Woman and Mother you have become. Luv ya girl!
Rev. Tammie Denyse says
Thanks, Rene’! I agree, it is pretty cool that you knew my mom. Thank YOU for sharing your beautiful mom with me! My Oh My, the stories we have on 41st and Park AND 40th and Graceland! Hahaha! Ohhhh, those were good times. And, yes, it’s sooooo comforting to know they’re all watching us from above! Love ya!
Ada says
Thank you for your bravery. Speaking and sharing through the pain of it all. #HurtingHealing&ReconfiguredWholeness. Love you girl!
Rev. Tammie Denyse says
From one #WarriorWomanofGod to another! One Love!
Ericka says
Wow Ma. You talk about giving a person perspective… All the meaningless worries of the day just fell away and my heart is overcome with the love and courage and faith in your words. Big ups to Ma Arnold! 🙂 Love you T! Love you Ne’!
Rev. Tammie Denyse says
I am grateful my words were meaningful to you. Yes, many, many KUDOS to Mama Arnold. A stellar woman. Loving you right back!
Michael S. Thompson II says
Through our “changing seasons” we all suffer through tragedy and pain. Your words remind us how vital it is to carry a piece of all who have touch us in our hearts for reflection and continues guidance. Your words remind us to love deeply those around us while we have them and to continue to give thanks and find “joy” in God and our family. Thank you for sharing!! We often need someone to touch us to remind us to put things in the correct perspective. I’m thankful to have you as my cousin, and to have the love of our entire family!!
Rev. Tammie Denyse says
Cousin Mike, YOUR words blessed me. Thank YOU! We do have a pretty incredible family. I love you to life!
Valerie Miles-Tribble says
My dear sister friend – In the midst of courageous transparency, and in spite of the pain of revealing vulnerable loss, your words of beautiful spirit and hope whisper softly, yet ring loud to touch the ears and hearts of many! This is the opening pages of your book in progress, the one that God is birthing in you…the one that will invite us all to reflect on life roads traveled and how God walked with us along the way! I THANK YOU…and I HONOR your motherhood. VMT
Rev. Tammie Denyse says
Dr. V., Your love, support and prophecy are truly appreciated. All I can say is only God knows…only God knows. I’m here. A vessel. Available. Willing. Much love to you!
shannon says
Your strength and ability to rebound from such traumatic experiences, reflects the level of confidence God has in you. (As did He Job) What the devil meant to use to destroy your destiny; God used to build your faith, confidence and hope in Him! Through your testimony, Look at how many people who would have lost hope, now see proof that God can and will deliver, comfort and send who and what we need. When we need it! Thank you my friend, my sister in Christ for sharing your heart with us all! Much love and adoration. Shannon
Rev. Tammie Denyse says
Shannon, my love, the admiration is mutual. Keep the prayers coming, they are sustaining me. XOXOXO
Clanci says
I was so inspired to read you find comfort in reflecting on Mary, understanding her sorrow of losing a son but embracing the joy of being a mother to a wonderful son, and in your case, two other biological children and four other children and countless others who consider you a mother in their lives. Words cannot express how much I truly appreciate this written piece, so I will not attempt to do so here. You are an example of what a great mother is: someone who encourages their children to fight for a good life, who lives a positive example by rising in faith to face each day, and someone who continues to gather her family together to celebration the lives of our loved ones, here and gone. My mom was lucky to have you as her sister, and I am lucky to have you in my life every day. Thank you for ministering to us through this piece and through your daily walk.
Rev. Tammie Denyse says
Clanci, you are such a gem and a wonderful niece. For someone to never want children, I’m ecstatic to have seven and you’re one of them! Love, love, love you!